


Insidious

by Bunny7799



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste Has Issues, Adrien Agreste Is Sunshine, Adrien Agreste Needs Help, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Needs a Hug, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir-centric, Angst, Chloé Bourgeois Redemption, F/M, Gabriel Agreste's A+ Parenting, Identity Reveal, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Lila Rossi Bashing, Lila Rossi Lies, Lila isn't completely mentally stable, Plagg Cares (Miraculous Ladybug), Protective Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Sexual Harassment, Supportive Plagg (Miraculous Ladybug), Tags May Change, Touch-Starved Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, especially with asking for help, eventual identity reveal, everything Lila does gets serious consideration, i really actually mean generally starved adrien too, this story might be not for people who are sensitive to abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:53:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22149733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bunny7799/pseuds/Bunny7799
Summary: The day Lila infiltrates the Agreste mansion under the false pretense of helping Adrien goes... a little differently.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste & Chloé Bourgeois & Alya Césaire & Marinette Dupain-Cheng & Nino Lahiffe, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire/Nino Lahiffe
Comments: 267
Kudos: 982





	1. mistake.

A perturbed feeling sits at the bottom of his stomach, discomfited at how easily Lila had manipulated Natalie into letting her in.

 _Maybe this was a mistake,_ he thinks as they converse on the way up the stairs to his room.

"Aww!" Lila squeals, seeing the picture of him and his mother. "Is this your mom? You look so much like her!"

Adrien pretends not to notice as Lila snoops around his room. For the sake of appearances, he schools his face into one of obliviousness. The girl in his room makes comments about Kagami when she sees her in a picture, and mentions casually, that _she_ lived in Japan for a few years herself.

"Lila, didn't you want me to help you with your homework?" Adrien questions, deigning not to give her the attention she wants.

"Oh, right! I totally forgot about that. I got distracted by how nice your room is!" Lila gives him a charming smile, but to him, it looks like a predator's smile. The responding smile comes automatically, even though he hates his room.

"Thanks!"

Adrien hopes, subtly, that the half hour Lila has with him will end soon.

-

Throughout the entire study session, Lila's hands linger on his chest, shoulders, arms, anywhere she can reach. She touches her knees to his, even when he scoots away to try to maintain a decent distance, she chases him and ends up intruding in his personal space even more. It gets to the point that Lila is nearly in his fucking lap, and it's only been 10 minutes.

"Lila, you... you're really close, could you maybe --"

She trails her fingers down his arm and draws little circles on his hands.

"That's the point, Adrien," she whispers into his ear, pressing her body into his side.

A full body shudder slams him, screaming _too close, she's too close --_ but Lila doesn't make any further moves, so he doesn't say more. Adrien tells himself that he's overreacting, and that he needs to get used to this -- he's a model for god's sake. And, he doesn't want to be rude and risk making her unhappy. 

_You can take this much,_ he tells himself.

For the 20 minutes afterwards, he can hardly focus on the material on the desk. Lila doesn't even pretend to try, she doesn't even glance at her homework, eyes trained on him. Adrien resists the urge to jerk away and run out of the room, and maybe take a few showers. 

_A little longer. Just a little longer. Natalie will be here to tell us time's up._

He can feel Lila's breath on his skin.

"So here, you have to solve for _x,_ " Adrien explains, though it's more to distract himself than it is for Lila's benefit.

"Mmhm." 

She places a hand on his knee, feather light.

It meanders up, crawls like some grotesque spider, and Adrien drops his pencil in shock -- it rolls and rolls and it falls of his table, clattering to the floor. He more sees than hears its impact with the tiles. 

Lila doesn't stop.

Adrien scoots further away before he remembers that won't deter her, and almost predictably, she advances. It feels as though he's been backed into a corner, he feels claustrophobic, he feels defenseless.

She strokes his thigh, blinking up at him like she's abashed, but her cheeks aren't red in the slightest.

"Lila --"

The girl in question rests her hands on his pelvis and he tries to ignore how casually she invades his space.

"Could you please stop?"

Lila frowns.

Adrien swallows nervously, contemplating his options and how he'll go about this without hurting Lila's feelings too much. He doesn't want to cause her to get akumatized and possibly hurt someone.

He opens his mouth, but Natalie opening the door saves him from needing to confront Lila. 

Natalie raises an eyebrow at them.

"I was just picking up a pencil," Lila smoothly says, swiftly picking up the pencil on the floor. Her face brushes the side of his thigh.

"Right," Natalie says, expression unreadable. "Time's up, Adrien. Your father will be coming out of his office at any minute."

With that, she walks away. Lila's hands leave him, finally, and she stands up. 

"Hey, let's have a souvenir photo!" She says, smile on her face. She doesn't wait to put an arm around his neck and he suddenly feels lips, much closer to his mouth than he'd like if he had a choice. He hears a camera shutter. 

Lila turns away to look at the photo and Adrien feels kind sick.

"Feel free to ask if you need any more help with your math! See you at school tomorrow," she flashes him a smile on the way out. Her words are a bitter reminder that yes, he will be, and there's no escape for him. Not for Adrien, no.

... A few seconds later, his phone dings. 

1 photo from Lila.

He opens the photo and disgust crawls up his throat. He puts the phone down and fast walks to the bathroom, the phantom feeling of hands on him linger still, even after taking a shower. 

-

"Kid, you need to do something about her," Plagg says. The look on his face is unsettled, and it's such a rare thing to see on Plagg, that Adrien almost feels unsettled himself.

"I know you've got problems with saying no because of your asshole of a dad, but you can't just let her do things. It'll escalate before you know it -- I _saw_ how she was touching you," he says, almost accusingly.

"...You're right," Adrien says, but he doesn't continue. Plagg sighs.

"At least tell someone. You always deal with crap alone and I'm tired of seeing you self-sacrifice for everything because you're... what, scared of being rude?"

"If I report her, father will know. What happens if he pulls me out of school to... I dunno, protect me?"

Plagg sits down on his desk, tiny arms crossed.

"Shitty humans and their shitty thought processes," Plagg muttered.

Adrien lets out a startled kind of laugh.

"Fine," Plagg says, "tell the bakery girl, or Ladybug. You need some sort of support system, and those two are at least competent enough to not buy Lila's bullshit."

Adrien gives the ceiling a thoughtful look, he can't help deflating into his chair.

He sighs, like an echo of Plagg.

"But --"

He hears a thump from behind him.

"Adrien," a voice says, "I am Oni-chan. You and I were meant to be together."

"Kagami?"

Adrien thinks he hears Plagg, hiding behind his computer monitors, mutter something along the lines of "Stinking meddling humans, can't catch a break for even five goddamn minutes."

-

The next day, Adrien wakes up feeling the opposite of rested. Plagg is beside him, and he can hear his soft snores.

 _'It'll escalate before you know it -- I saw how she was touching you,'_ he hears his kwami's voice in his head. 

He shudders, thinking about how close Lila had been the day before. He wonders if she'd stop if he told her to. Wonders if she'd go as far as to... to _really_ do something. Adrien is, of course, used to being harassed, mostly by fans. He's no stranger to having his personal life invaded. 

But Lila. Lila is... real. More real than his fans seem. 

"So...?" Plagg trails off, voice still laden with sleep.

"What am I going to do?" Adrien quietly asks, and it's more of a rhetorical question than a real one, but Plagg answers anyway.

"Tell someone. You shouldn't deal with everything alone."

It sounds so simple, coming from Plagg's mouth.

-


	2. the wolf.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malicious intent hidden under the foliage, the herd of sheep welcomes her into the fold. Because they don't know any better, how _could_ they assume? So, they won't suspect her when one disappears from the herd, the sheep will think _Oh, she must have wandered off on her own._
> 
> _It can't be helped, it was her own fault._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like. This is completely unrelated but.
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> Hawk Moth is bitchboy

When Adrien arrives early in the morning, Lila is the first to greet him. He responds -- polite, perfect tone of voice -- but he finds he isn't able to look up to meet her eyes like he usually can. Adrien sets his bag down, soft to avoid drawing any attention, as if doing so will make Lila unsee him. 

He sits and puts his arms on his desk, barely holding back from wringing his hands with discomfort. 

Lila stands up from her spot, where a small cluster of his classmates part way for her. His spirits fall as she descends the stairs.

"Hey Adrien, that study session yesterday was super helpful! Thanks a ton, I couldn't have done my homework without you." 

Lila sits by him, intrudes like it's no big deal, like her actions don't bother her at all. He wonders if remorse or guilt are things she even _feels._

Quietly, Adrien wishes things could go back to the way they had been before Lila. He wishes Ladybug's Miraculous Cure could fix such things.

He feels pathetic, for being unable to look Lila in the eyes. He's Chat Noir, for god's sake -- he fights akumas every other day, he makes puns while being thrown through walls and threatened with swords. He's been under mind control, and he's virtually died multiple times.

Comparing what Lila has done, to what other akumas and Hawk Moth have done, is almost like comparing a pebble to a mountain. 

"Anyway, I heard about that akuma who was targeting you yesterday, it must have been terrifying!" She exclaims. "I'm so glad Ladybug was there to help."

Of course, it's a complete lie -- she hates Ladybug.

Adrien shudders... to think that if he wasn't Chat Noir, he'd never know better than to believe her.

"How are you after that?" Lila asks him, innocent, like some sort of concerned friend.

He still can't meet her eyes, neither can he decide whether he's afraid of her or just plain disgusted.

When Adrien takes a second too long to answer, she scoots a little closer as retribution. Her shoulder and thigh press at his sides, too warm for comfort. The sympathetic hand that comes to lie atop his arm is adorned with sharp, manicured nails. The paint is a deep and lustrous red.

The small lingering hope in him, that she'd stop if he asked, shrivels up and dies -- because he remembers telling her to stop. Adrien had asked her, he'd said _'please stop'_ and she had heard him, she had _frowned_ \-- 

"Adrien?" She moves so that she's in front of him, forcing him to look to the side to avoid looking at her directly. Adrien doesn't see whatever expression she makes.

"I'm alright. She and I have made up already."

Adrien imagines Lila's face pinching in irritation. 

"Is that so? That's great!" Lila says.

Nino chooses to walk in at that moment, and Adrien feels his heart ease up. 

"Yo Adrien," Nino says, taking his headphones off. "Hey Lila."

"Hey Nino," Lila says. "Here, I'll get out of your spot." She smiles, charming.

"Thanks!"

Lila's disappearing presence is like a weight off his lungs. _God_ if he isn't grateful for Nino --

"Oh and by the way, Nino," Lila stops on her way up the stairs, his thought processes freeze. "Remember when I said I'd mention you to Steven Basielberg?"

Nino whips around so fast, Adrien wonders how his cap doesn't fly off.

"You remembered?" Nino asks.

"Yeah!" Lila says, "We're friends, right? Of course I'd remember."

Nino struggles to fight back his inner fanboy. "Seriously? Steve Basielberg?" He mumbles, like he's trying to process too many things at once. "The guy who made some of the greatest movies in history?"

A deep kind of disappointment wells up in him, wallowing and piteous -- before he tells himself that he's not being fair to Nino. Adrien, hesitant but far more confident with Lila's attention off of him, looks up at the liar's face. 

"Yeah, who else?" Lila teases and laughs, sweet like honey -- except her expression doesn't match her voice. Lila's smile is smug and the twin glints in her eyes are predatory.

A wolf stalking her naive and gullible prey. _'How cute,'_ she says, hiding her sharp teeth.

She's quiet.

Insidious.

Nino is absolutely _starstruck._

"Steven Basielberg knows my name! Oh my _god_ , Lila. _Thank you,_ I can die happy," his friend says, before turning to Adrien.

Nino's unsuspecting smile is painful to look at. "Adrien, did you hear that?" He asks. 

"Yeah," he smiles and pretends to be happy for Nino.

-

Adrien excuses himself to go to the bathroom. 

While Adrien is an expert at smiling and nodding -- he practices doing it too much to _not_ be good --

He doesn't come to school just... just to do what he does when he models. Just to do what he does for his father.

All of the freedom he gets as Chat Noir is freeing, it gives him joy, Adrien _lives_ for the hours spent vaulting into Paris' skies.

The freedom is addictive, and it's not enough anymore.

Maybe it's selfish, but he wishes he got just a fraction of the same freedom as Adrien Agreste. 

Where has all his discipline gone, he wonders? A taste of freedom, and life without it already seems so much more bleak. He's been spoiled, he thinks, staring at the mirror before him.

With his face slack, he looks like he's rotting inside. Like some twisted, slow version of reverse Cataclysm.

 _Get it together,_ Adrien tells himself, because he's lived the past years, stifled and choking under all the pressure that comes with being the son of a fashion mogul. He can take on a liar, as despicable of a liar she may be.

-

When he walks back into class, he sees Nino, Alya and Marinette. Even Chloe, who he knows is a good person deep down, because she's like him.

Adrien remembers that he isn't alone, not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo my original plan was actually to do that thing where the chapters alternate POVs (like, Adrien, then Marinette, then back to Adrien, so on and so forth).  
> This chapter was meant to be in Marinette's POV, but two weeks went by and the word count was completely stagnant. No joke -- 12 sentences written in that span of time. Finally came to the conclusion "this really isn't working, wow" and scrapped those 12 sentences.  
> And well. I said in a comment last chapter that I'd be aiming for one chapter/two weeks...  
> For unneeded clairification, yes, I'm horrible with schedules. Sorry for the wait! :'D


	3. red, like blood.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fingers grip his shoulders, sharp points digging into the skin. Nails, sharp and manicured, painted a deep lustrous red.
> 
> Red, like blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy slightly longer chapter this time. Also, first original akuma -- sad af for a first, but its fine. This is fiNE.
> 
> This chapter is heavier than the last two, so... yeah.
> 
> Note: I finally decided to add chapter titles -- didn't feel complete without them lol.

Despite his every effort to avoid Lila, he still fails. 

It's during lunch time, one of the few that he gets to spend at school, that she backs him into a corner. She shuffles up to their lunch table, eyeing her shoes. 

"Hey..." Her voice is disconcertingly quiet, and draws far too much attention. "Could I talk to Adrien for a little? There's something important I have to say."

 _Say no,_ he tries to scream with his eyes -- but neither Nino or Alya are looking at him. Marinette is the only one out of their little group who notices. _Tell her to go away._

He locks eyes with Marinette, and it's obvious that she hears him. Marinette _hears_ him. But whatever she's about to say never comes, because Alya is far too understanding of Lila. Far too willing. Sympathetic.

"Of course!" Alya says, agreeing in his place.

He doesn't let anything show on his face. Or, at least he tries. Adrien isn't sure whether he succeeds or not.

"Alright. I'll be back later then," he says, getting off their lunch table bench. His sad box of salad stares at him, mocking. He pretends to be indifferent.

"'Kay dude. Be back with my bro soon, Lila!" Nino waves.

Marinette is the only one who looks at him with worry on her face. Worry for _him_ , not Lila, as they walk away to some secluded hallway. Adrien latches onto the thought of her almost desperately, when he sees Lila's demeanor change the moment they're both out of sight.

The hallway they're standing in, is the polar opposite of the cafeteria. It's so eerily quiet that he can hear their footsteps reverberating off the walls.

It's sudden when Lila swerves around, swiftly grabbing his left arm. She hangs off of it like some over sized arm warmer. 

"Adrien, I really like you."

Her eyes are as hollow as her confession. It's disgusting and it crawls on his skin. Adrien's so shocked, he doesn't even know how to react. Lila interlaces their hands -- the hold is one-sided, only her fingers are curled in. 

"The moment I saw you, I knew _I_ _had_ to have you," she says, her face far too close. Her eyes trace over his features.

He takes a startled step backwards, it only results in his back hitting a solid wall, but it's what clears the fog in his brain. Adrien rips himself off her, steps a good meter away in order to regain some form of control, ~~as if he had any in the first place.~~

Lila looks displeased, maybe even angered -- but her face goes devoid of emotion within seconds, so quickly that he can't help wondering if it was just his imagination. Adrien isn't sure what kind of reaction she was expecting from him in the first place.

"Lila, I'm not an object," he tells her, finally regaining his breath. _I'm a person._

Adrien is sure she hears him. He knows his lips had moved and sound had come from him. Yet, Lila disregards what he says. She steps up to him, that's all she does, and still he struggles to stand his ground.

 _Pathetic,_ something in his head mutters.

"Your father is on _my_ side, you know that?" She says, smile slowly spreading across her face, unnaturally wide. 

Her words are completely unexpected and take a moment to register. It breaks whatever is left of his facade of confidence.

"What..." he furrows his eyebrows, wariness growing, "...do you mean?"

_Thump!_

She pushes him back into the wall, hard enough that he's sure he'll be sporting purple on his back tomorrow.

Fingers grip his shoulders, sharp points digging into the skin. Nails, sharp and manicured, painted a deep lustrous red.

Red, like blood.

It's less like a kiss, and more like a violent slamming of lips. He tastes a hint of iron where his lip gets cut upon contact, along with mint on his tongue -- he smells the mint too. He hears his teeth clack against another set of teeth and he sees another pair of eyes, olive green, wide open and staring at him. Adrien feels the sharp pain of claws in his shoulders and the oppressiveness of having no space to breathe.

_Can't breathe._

_Can't breathe can't breathe can't breath can't --_

Her lips leave his, and she leers at Adrien.

 _"Your father will never believe you,"_ Lila whispers to his ear. Her breath ghosts over his skin, leaving goosebumps behind. 

She releases his shoulders and takes a few steps backwards, heeled shoes clacking on the linoleum floor.

"Ask him," she says. "You'll see."

.

.

.

The relief only comes once the echo of her footsteps disappear, but it isn't sweet. It's numb and cold. Cold like the floor he's sitting on. He should get up, really, because lunch has to be ending soon, which means someone could walk by and see him. Perfect Adrien Agreste, on the floor out of all the places he could be. The numb feeling in his bones is what stops him from moving.

 _I left my lunch_ , is what he then thinks. Adrien is on a model's diet, which frankly, isn't enough anymore. It used to be, back before he became Chat Noir. Now, it isn't nearly enough. Now, he needs everything he can get, to keep from collapsing.

Plagg flies out of his jacket, lands on his propped up knee like he's trying to give him comfort, small as he is.

"Adrien, kid..."

A crash. Screams follow the chaos, as per usual. With just a second of delay, his phone notifies him of the akuma attack.

"Plagg, claws out."

Even the rush of transforming doesn't do much for the numbness, not like it usually does.

.

.

.

Adrien doesn't come back. Lila on the other hand, does, to Marinette's disdain.

"Where's Adrien?" Nino asks the liar as she stops by.

"He shouldn't be far behind me. He said he had something to do." Lila's voice is convincingly quivery.

After she speaks, they all expect her to leave to eat lunch -- but she doesn't. She stands there, beside the table, rooted to the spot.

Awkwardly, she fiddles with the hem of her cardigan. Her gaze flickers from from side to side, teeth worrying at her bottom lip. She shuffles her feet, as if she wants to move.

Marinette isn't fooled by her act.

Alya sees Lila's internal 'struggle' and invites her to sit with them. The table has room after all, and it's the polite thing to do. Marinette thinks, _To hell with polite --_

"Thank you so much, I... didn't want to impose or something so I..."

_Didn't want to impose? Well, too fucking late for that now._

"It's alright girl! We don't bite." 

"Much," Nino tacks onto the end of Alya's sentence and with a certain fondness, she rolls her eyes at Nino.

Throughout the exchange, Marinette keeps quiet. Neither Alya nor Nino notice.

Lila smoothly sits where Adrien had sat before, where his measly looking salad still sits. There's a flash of satisfaction on her face. Irritation boils under Marinette's skin, but she doesn't acknowledge it.

 _High ground,_ she reminds herself, _high ground._

_._

_._

_._

Marinette's patience goes _poof_ when a loud crash echoes through the school.

.

.

.

The hallways rush past him in a dizzying blur.

His stomach performs somersaults and it feels like his head isn't where it should be.

He stood up too fast, he reasons, and he missed lunch. It's why when he takes a sharp turn into a bathroom stall, nothing comes when he dry heaves and he comes out feeling more sick than before. His eyes burn.

"It's Chat Noir!" The chorus of students yell, the sound barely makes it to his brain. He hopes that him being lightheaded won't hinder his ability to fight, he doesn't want to just be an extra load of stress on his lady. She doesn't deserve that.

He meets Ladybug in a park outside, drawn to the wreckage. There are people, chained to picnic tables, trees, the ground.

"An abuse victim today," Ladybug says as a greeting. 

Chat Noir is sure he's not the only one who noticed; the akuma victims have been gradually getting worse. Before, it would be a boy, angry that his friend's father wouldn't allow a birthday party for his only son.

Now, it's abuse, neglect, and all sorts of sick things. Chat Noir wonders how Hawk Moth can even stand to take advantage of people suffering so obviously already. Ladybug's eyes say it all, tired, sad and angry for the akumas.

'It's as if Hawk Moth was only playing around before,' his lady had said one day. 

The deeper the abuse and hurt, the stronger the akuma. The more tragic their stories are, the more it wears on the superhero duo -- that's what Hawk Moth has found, it seems.

"I've tried to break the bonds, but they won't budge, so neither of us can get caught, got it?" Ladybug's bluebell eyes turn to him.

"You got it m'lady."

.

.

.

They find her in a house.

"Why don't _you_ try getting chained for days on end, see how it feels!?" She screams. 

They watch from around a corner, trying to find an opening to use the spotted key in Ladybug's right hand.

'Dressed' would be a generous term for what the akuma is wearing. Her clothes are ratty and splotched with red on the wrists, ankles and neck (she looks like she's barely _12)_. Her mother is chained to a kitchen cabinet, the anger is more prevalent in her eyes compared to the fear.

_"Priscilla --"_

_"My name is Jailer!"_

"See what happens to you when your father comes home and this is all over!"

"No, see what happens to _him_ when he comes home. I've had _enough."_

.

.

.

They jump out of hiding when Jailer picks up a kitchen knife to use on her mother, realizing they can't wait any longer. The resulting scuffle to get at the iron collar around her neck gives them more than their fair share of cuts. 

He gets a stab in the thigh when he gets caught by a chain, as punishment for taking too long to use Cataclysm to escape. The pain is searing and warm, though it could just be the blood flowing from the wound.

Jailer takes the few extra seconds to drive the knife deeper, which is what gives Ladybug the chance to use the key on her collar. So he counts him getting injured as a tactical distraction, and not a complete failure in his suddenly mushy feeling mind.

"You idiot cat!" Ladybug yells, as she swiftly catches the escaping purple butterfly.

She doesn't send the purified butterfly off with a farewell when it emerges from her yoyo, and instead chooses to run to her partner's side.

"You're hurt," she says.

He looks at Ladybug through his bleary eyes. Her mask is a red blob. 

"You're hurt too, what's with all the red?"

Maybe she purses her lips, maybe she doesn't. She stands up from her crouch and throws the spotted key into the air with a cry of "Miraculous Ladybug!"

The chains all disappear, as does his stab wound. Sweet relief and exhaustion hits him. 

"Idiot cat," Ladybug repeats, softer.

Bright red ladybugs swarm the akuma, leaving a malnourished girl. Her clothes are in rags, similar to the way her akuma form looked. Her mother stands up, menacing and red in the face with anger. She raises a hand to slap her daughter, no chains to restrain her.

Thankfully, Ladybug swiftly grabs her arm. Her grip looks near painful.

"What do you think you're doing?" Chat Noir asks the girl's mother, standing up. He ignores phantom pangs of pain from the wound that was on his thigh not too long ago -- sometimes, when he gets injured, it takes a while for his nerves to realize when he isn't anymore.

"She _attacked_ me and chained me like a dog! She needs to be disciplined!"

"Your _daughter_ was under the influence of an akuma, ma'am," Ladybug explains -- it's no use though. 

They settle for tying her to a kitchen chair. Ladybug writes a note for the police, for when they eventually come, while Chat Noir attempts to talk to the girl in rags, sitting on the floor.

She's frozen, and bruises litter her skin. He thinks there might even be finger shaped bruises on her neck. Ladybug's miraculous cure doesn't fix injuries not caused by magic.

"Hey," he says, crouching by her. He deigns not to try and touch her. "Are you alright? Do you need anything?"

He stares at her, and she doesn't stare back -- like she's afraid she'll be punished for making eye contact. Would she be, on a normal day?

"I... I'm..."

And then the floodgate of tears opens, like his words alone were the catalyst. Tears roll down the girl's face endlessly. 

"I just... w-wanted someone to under --" a sharp breath and a sob, " -- understand..."

Chat Noir sees the mother (does she even deserve to be called one?) sneer at her daughter from the corner of his eye. Seeing that lights an angry flame in him, because _how dare she,_ he feels his face contort into an ugly, ugly shape. 

Ladybug however, is far more restrained. It's evident that she's angry though, by the sharp way her head turns.

"Next time you mistreat your daughter," she starts, her voice full of quiet vitriol, "remember what happened today could happen again."

The girl on the ground slowly looks up, like she can't believe she's even daring to. 

_"If it does,"_ Ladybug stops, staring straight into the woman's face, "Chat Noir and I might not arrive so quickly."

She puts her pen down, deceptively gentle. She picks up the note and hands it to the little girl on the ground, who takes it in shaking hands. She's careful not to get teardrops on it.

She stares at the words on the page in fear, but not for reasons either of them think. 

"I can't..." the girl's voice is almost frantic. "I can't read it." The girl barely chokes the words out, garbled and painful sounding.

But when Chat Noir looks, Ladybug's smile is kind.

So incredibly kind, he thinks her entire face is glowing -- it's _understanding --_ and the girl in rags, with bruises on her throat and shackle marks on her wrists and ankles, sees it. 

"That's okay."

The panic evaporates from her tear streaked face, like smoke. 

.

.

.

Chat Noir thinks, _This is the love of my life._

He smiles, and he lets himself feel safe near her. Savors the warmth because he knows it won't last -- 

.

.

.

When he detransforms that day, he cries.


	4. invalidating.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the whole Agreste household is masterful at invalidating Adrien, but just Adrien.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. Can't seem to get chapters done before the 8th each month. Guess it's a ritual now? :'D
> 
> (2020/04/09: did some small edits :D (no content changes, just fixing writing flow and adding some more details))

Adrien thinks, that more than anything, he wants his father to love him. It's a fact, one that he's never tried to deceive himself out of.

He'd thought before, he was just hesitant to tell his father about Lila -- out of the fear he might take him out of school to protect him. An excuse, really -- a sad one. He just hadn't wanted to entertain the thought that his father might not even _believe_ him or care enough to do shit about it.

 _What if,_ he thinks, _I tell him, only for him to not do a thing about it?_

Adrien doesn't know what he would do.

_He'd believe me though, right?_

_Right?_

"Hey Plagg, he'd believe me... right?" The question comes out sounding awfully childish. He must be a sad sight, crouching in a ball on his bed, in a room too big for him. He doesn't look like the confident wielder of the cat miraculous... he looks like a child who's mother left him.

The reassurance he hopes for isn't what comes.

"I don't know," Plagg says. He doesn't tell him _'Of course, he's your father. Of course he'd believe his own son.'_

_'His one and only son, who he cares for so very much --'_

Adrien doesn't know what he'd do --

So he hopes his fears don't prove to be right. 

.

.

.

"Adrien, you know that your father is busy. Why are you insisting on bothering him?"

"I... I'm not _insisting._ This is important."

"More important than your father's work? You're old enough to know now that a new fashion line is set to be released soon, and so the work load is larger than usual."

He opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, "Yes," he says.

From the corner of his eye, he can see Natalie, stern-faced as she always is. She takes a glance at her tablet.

"I will tell him you wish to see him, and he will respond when he can."

Adrien only nods. Natalie nods back.

"On the note of the new fashion line," she says, "you will be the featured model, so I have had a dietary plan created for you."

He takes a deep breath and reels in his emotions before they can get the better of him. He wills for his hands not to shake and for a wavering smile to appear on his lips. Adrien takes the pristine, laminated sheet of paper containing his dietary plan from Natalie's hands.

"Dietary plan?"

"Yes, do you have a problem with having one?" Natalie raises an eyebrow at him.

"No, I just..." _didn't think it was possible you could restrict my diet even more than it already is --_ "no, there's no problem."

"Good, you'll be starting tomorrow, but this does not mean you are permitted to gorge yourself on food for the remainder of today."

"Of course."

Natalie nods, before she turns around and leaves him in the hall.

Numbly, Adrien walks back to his room. The paper in his hand is trembling. He shuts his door behind himself with a quiet click. It's not cold, so why...

From his spot on the bed, Plagg says, "That was fast, means it went well then, I ho -- Adrien?"

The small black kwami floats to him. Adrien barely registers sliding to the floor -- he's been doing a lot of floor siting lately, it seems. 

"Oh, kid..."

.

.

.

Maybe it was too much to hope his father would love him, the way a normal father would love his son. 

.

.

.

Adrien is sitting at his desk, staring at his dietary plan, still clean and laminated and impossibly restricting. He thinks he must be getting less to eat than a homeless man. 

He wonders how he'll keep up with his lady now.

.

.

.

Dinner that day is lonely as it always is, he's a boy, sitting alone at a large long table. His salad tastes strangely sweet, hungry as he is, so Adrien eats as slowly as he can, chewing each bite a good 20 times. 

He stops when footsteps startle him, clicking and loud on the mansion's pristine floor.

He watches his father as he sits at the opposite end of the table, Natalie standing to his side, clipboard in hand.

His father's appearance is such a surprise that he says "Father," his mouth still full.

"Don't speak with your mouth full, Adrien," he reminds him. "It's uncouth."

He swallows quickly, chastised, "Right."

The chef brings his father a steaming meal and desert to go with it. Adrien thinks it's curry, from the smell alone. The desert plate has something delicately fruity and orange. His stomach aches just looking, but he doesn't show it.

"Natalie told me you had something to say?" Comes the question he was waiting for.

"Y-yeah."

"Go ahead."

Why had he wanted to tell his father in the first place, again? Adrien feels suddenly apprehensive. He reasons with himself, this is his father, what's there to be afraid of? 

~~There's plenty to be afraid of.~~

"There's uh, a girl. She's been bothering me and I don't like it," he starts off. It's anything but smooth. He stabs at his salad slowly, uncomfortably.

"Be more specific."

Adrien tries not to shake as he struggles to get the rest of the details out. He isn't being forced, yet it feels that way anyway.

"It's the girl who was here not too long ago, Lila. She touches me a lot, and intrudes and... and doesn't stop when I tell her to," Adrien says, tries not to let his voice shrink. "She kissed me in the hall today even though I didn't want it."

His father's response is dismal -- he doesn't even look up at him. "And what do you suggest I do?" He questions. It sounds overwhelmingly cold.

Adrien bites down on his lower lip, bites down on the frustration, he wonders what he'd been thinking, what he'd been expecting. An outburst of righteous anger? Sympathy? _Who the hell had he been kidding?_

"She told me you wouldn't believe me," he near whispers. 

"There's no reason for me not to believe you," his father answers, matter of factly, "of course your status as a top model and my son would gain you fans, as well as problems that come with those fans."

Adrien wants his father to love him -- wants it badly -- _but what's there isn't love,_ he thinks, _it's obligation, if anything_. Knowledge that he's his son, but not _feeling_ what he should feel in accompaniment.

His father asks him, "Do you want me to pull you out of school?"

The words send a sudden and terror filled jolt through him. "No! No..." He grips at his pants, twisted the fabric in his clenched fists. It takes everything in him to not curl in his chair.

His father raises an eyebrow at him, deprecating and disappointed. Adrien imagines that he'd scoff if he were the type to scoff. Adrien wishes he _would_ scoff.

"Children," he says, like it's an insult, "always impulsive. So you don't mind Lila's advances on you after all?"

He feels sick, he almost can't believe his father could ever suggest that -- _how could he? --_ The implications of his father's words make his skin crawl, like living worms are burrowing in his flesh. It feels like a betrayal, somehow.

"That's not it... I just..." _wanted reassurance._ He doesn't dare say such a thing out loud, wouldn't ever dream of it. He keeps his eyes trained on the wrinkles in the fabric of his pants.

"Felt stressed, and the need to bother me," the sentence is finished for him, and it's --

It's _insulting._

_It hurts._

"I wanted you to listen to me...!" The words rumble and crash in his chest, he almost scares himself with how loud they come out -- before they quiet, into a gentle rain, a small admittance -- "and I don't know... _care."_

And yet, what he gets is not care. It's not care, nor is it anything close to it, he knows.

"You are _not_ a child anymore."

The fight in him shatters like glass, Adrien doesn't know why, or how it happens so quickly, but it does. He nods, barely a twitch. Guilt and shame swirl in his mind in equal amounts. 

"You're a model," his father continues, and his voice isn't scathing -- it's smooth and it's almost like he's sympathizing _but he's not_. His face is straight, yet his words feel so, _so_ \-- "Paris is watching you."

"You can't always have what you want, Adrien."

He just nods again. Adrien's afraid that if he unclenches his jaw long enough to speak, the tears will come springing out and how _embarrassing_ would _that_ be?

Something like envy sits in his chest as he stares at his father's steaming meal. When he shoves salad in his mouth, it tastes bitter.

Maybe he's overreacting, if he's reading his father right.

Maybe it isn't all that bad, and he's just being a child.

Maybe he should leave Lila be.

He leaves the table still hungry, tripping out of his chair.

"Have a nice night," he tells his father, Adrien hates how shaky his voice comes out. He barely refrains from running on his way up the stairs and into his room.

The quiet click of his doorknob rings in his ears. It feels like something is squeezing his lungs and making it hard to breathe.

Plagg flies out of his pocket, a black blur. He'd forgotten he'd been there the entire time.

"He's _wrong,"_ Plagg says, heated, "he's a fucking asshole and he's wrong on _so_ many levels."

Adrien doesn't know.

Isn't sure anymore.

Words don't come, and his silence speaks volumes to Plagg, who stops and _looks_ at him, sadness flashes across the kwami's face so fast, he thinks it's his imagination. 

"Don't tell me you believe him...?" Plagg's quiet question betrays his rage filled face. "What has he ever done for you?"

Adrien responds, "Nothing."

_Nothing._

_Nothing._

_Nothingnothingnothing --_

The word echoes in his mind, heavy despite its definition. It's heavy and suffocating and the truth -- it _is,_ isn't it? Adrien thinks he'd rather deal with hunger pains than face whatever this is. _What is this?_

He turns around so fast that he gives himself whiplash, he doesn't want to think. So he shuts the bathroom door on Plagg, and he says "Sorry Plagg, I just." _God, why is he like this?_ "Need some time."

"Don't say sorry for things like that, kid," comes the soft reply.

.

.

.

Sometimes, it feels like his chest is sinking, in an almost physical way. He feels like peeling his skin off, slowly, because of the screaming whine underneath. The only way to get rid of it is by becoming Chat Noir. It's freeing, and the whine disappears while he's vaulting across Parisian skies, replaced by a warmth deep in his bones.

With being Chat Noir, comes Ladybug -- and Ladybug is freedom. She smiles wide, and she laughs loud. He loves Ladybug, he loves _freedom --_

But the warmth never stays long after. The whining loneliness underneath his skin comes for him when he's in bed, lying in his sheets, and all he can do is curl up and try to fall asleep. 

Adrien's fortunate that no akumas come for him, though he wonders _why._ Is he not already feeling horrible enough? How much worse would he have to feel, for someone to acknowledge it?

He mentally smacks himself, berating, because he's not being fair to anyone else for thinking such things. What would Ladybug do if he was akumatized? ~~What if she deemed him too unstable to have the black cat miraculous any longer?~~

Adrien takes off his shirt, he's met with little purple dots on his shoulder blades. He avoids thinking about what put them there. Tearing his eyes away from the mirror, he strips everything else off and steps into the shower -- the water is steaming, warmth envelopes him in seconds.

He pretends the feeling under his skin is slowly running down the drain, but when he steps out of the shower, the feeling is still there and it's screaming louder. He sucks in a heavy breath, tugging on a shirt and pants.

"Hey Plagg," Adrien says through the door, "I know it's not our day to patrol but..."

He half expects no response, but one comes anyway. Like Plagg has been by the door the whole time. "Fine, fine -- I swear, you run me ragged," The kwami jokes.

He sees himself smile a little in the mirror.

.

.

.

"Hey, Plagg, thank you. It means a lot that you're with me."

"Like I don't already know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And to think I was thinking of adding fluff to the tags --
> 
> Maaaayybe next chapter, patrol with Ladybug and Chat Noir coming up! :D
> 
> Also, note that I wrote some of this while listening to an album simulating dementia (thankfully not all 6.5 hours, no plZ), so like. Uh. Yeah, I don't trust myself right now, so tell me if you spot something more outlandish than the norm!


	5. the reveal.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien's gotten used to being let down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ominous summary? hECK YEAH.
> 
> And lookit that, I'm not updating on the 8th -- I'm an ENTIRE 5 days early... haha. Hahaha. I wrote this all in 2 days. Talk about spontaneous bursts of energy, I guess.
> 
> I know I said "maybe fluff" last chapter's ending notes but.  
> It's come to my attention that I've never written toothrotting fluff before, which is an injustice because I love reading it buT HOW DO I NOT ANGST  
> I'm missing out, aren't I. :'D

The night air is crisp and cold in a stinging way as Chat Noir vaults over Paris.

It's supposed to be Ladybug's turn to patrol today, but he's long since learned that 'patrol' is more of an excuse to fly free -- maybe with a side benefit of keeping fit. Neither of them have said this out loud, but Chat Noir knows because he can count on one hand the times they've actually encountered an akuma during patrol.

He also knows they normally patrol together on weekends, and today isn't Saturday or Sunday.

_Maybe I should just turn back. It's not too late. What if Ladybug asks me why I'm out?_

Really. He hadn't thought about the consequences, he'd just wanted to leave as soon as he could.

One of the qualities that Chat Noir admires in Ladybug is her perceptiveness, but today it's a double edged sword. He isn't sure he's ready to tell someone else after his father --

Deep breath. Wind is whistling in his ears.

He knows. He _knows,_ he does. 

His father isn't the best person. He's demanding, he treats Adrien like a child and yet expects more and _more,_ he's never there when he wishes he were, he doesn't care.

 _Ladybug_ cares, that's the biggest difference. Ladybug is kind, she's real and she's compassionate. She can't be more different than his father, and the thought brings him too much comfort.

But he still hurts, deep down. It aches and it pangs and it's impossible to forget -- he doesn't think he'll ever be able to forget how he felt, and is still feeling. The betrayal lingers, ~~and he doesn't know why, because it's not like he'd ever expected much from his father anyways.~~

He dawdles for too long. He doesn't end up turning back, and it's too late anyways because a red figure is closing in on him.

"Chat." She greets him breezily, "I thought it was my day to patrol?" Ladybug raises an eyebrow, landing on the roof Chat Noir is on. Her yo-yo whips back into her hand.

"You've _spotted_ me, I guess."

She rolls her eyes, and the pun doesn't go unrecognized. Ladybug regains her game face quickly, "You aren't here because there's an akuma, right?"

"Nope, nothing of the sort."

"Good, and you aren't being mind controlled."

"How'd you know?"

"No one makes puns as _pawful_ as Chat Noir."

He lets out an offended gasp, "You've got to be _kitten_ me, all this time and I thought you loved my puns!" With a dramatic flair, he splays his hand on his chest and puts a faint hand on his forehead, like he's about to fall over. "I've been _cat-fished."_

Ladybug fails to keep her perfect composure, his enhanced hearing lets him pick up small giggles from his lady, hidden behind a wavering straight face.

"Okay okay, enough. Any reason you're here? Not that I don't want to see you, but we just saw each other this afternoon."

Briefly, Chat Noir contemplates telling Ladybug. It's probably too much to hope Ladybug doesn't catch the small pause of hesitation between her question and his response, ~~he half hopes she catches it anyway.~~

"Just felt like seeing my lady and her beautiful smile," he smoothly says.

Pink flashes on her cheeks. "It's great you think I have a nice smile --"

"Beautiful," he interjects, unabashed (because it's true). Her lip twitches upward for the briefest moment.

"-- But Chat," she says, "I have to ask, is anything wrong?"

And Chat Noir thinks -- about what Plagg said, and God does he want someone in his corner. There's no one he'd want more than Ladybug to know. Ladybug, his best friend, his partner in crime, the love of his life.

But the nagging feeling of betrayal isn't gone. Even though the whine under his skin comes back somehow, even though he's _Chat Noir_ now. It yells, like it wants to be known, to be acknowledged. 

How good would it feel, he wonders, if someone took it away?

"What if it has a lot to do with my civilian identity?" He asks Ladybug. 

They're standing on a tall rise building, the sun is gone from the horizon. The sunset is nearing it's end, he realizes -- he hadn't realized it was setting in the first place, when he'd climbed out of his window. 

In the orange light, the conflict is clear on his lady's face.

"Let's go sit down," is what she decides to say.

He follows the spotted heroine to the edge of the building. They sit on the side facing the residual orange light of the sunset. Ladybug's face is gold and her eyes glow like sapphires in the sun. 

"Are you _okay?"_

He can tell this question holds a different meaning. She's asking him if he can handle it on his own, if he really, truly needs her. It would be easy right now, to say he's okay, and that he doesn't need someone to listen. Or, it should have been easy. 

Two words.

_'I'm okay.'_

_'I'll deal.'_

Smile, then look away, never bring it up again, and never seek her out when it's her turn to patrol. 

_'Just seeing you makes me feel better.'_

Easy. It should be easy to say, but it isn't.

"I'm -- I..." His throat constricts without his say, the words choke and die in him. He doesn't want to lie to her. 

God, is he _pathetic._

Ladybug looks at him, like she doesn't know what to do. He hates to put her on the spot -- heh, same pun twice in the same day? _Wow_ \--

"Chat. You're shaking."

"Ah. Am I?" He wraps his own arms around his torso, desperate to quiet the feeling in his skin. The one that wants to tell Ladybug everything, the one that yearns to put them in danger, because he's a selfish sonovabitch. "I'm not cold or anything like that, don't worry."

His breath hitches when he feels a hand on his shoulder, small and light. Reassuringly warm in the way he could move away if he so wanted.

He doesn't want to, so he doesn't.

"Chat."

Can he tell her? Can he really?

At some point, the question becomes less about a matter of if he's able to, and more about if he's allowed to. If he's allowed to seek the comfort that he so longs for.

"Chat?" Her voice is quiet.

"It's. It's not even that bad." His voice is quiet, too, and it's trembling like the rest of his body. He forces out a deep breath but the trembling doesn't stop. He sits on his hands to stop himself from fidgeting with them.

As he says that though, Ladybug has slow, silent epiphany and answer.

"Chat, it's okay. You can tell me if you want to."

_What?_

He searches her face, confused. He finds a small smile and --

"But what if you find out my identity?"

"We'll deal," she says, "If it happens, it happens."

The words are almost flippant, the way she says it -- but that shine in her eyes is the same shine he fell in love with. It's determination and stony resolve. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You... but you said if either of us get akumatized, Hawk Moth will know both our identities and he'll use it against us." _And he's so much more ruthless now._

"Only I'll know, so it should be fine as long as _I_ don't akumatized."

As soon as Chat Noir hears that, he thinks, _that isn't fair._ It's not that he doesn't trust her but...

It's too much responsibility his lady is trying to carry. 

It's completely and _utterly_ one-sided.

If he takes her up on her offer, he'll never be able to look himself in the face ever again, to say he's the partner of the one and only Ladybug of Paris.

"Kitty, I don't..." her lips go thin. "Your health is important to me, and I've noticed sometimes, you aren't as happy as you seem. And you always throw yourself in front of me during attacks, and it's like you think you don't _matter_ but you _do."_

"You do to _me."_

It's so different from knowing it intrinsically, in her smiles and the concern in her eyes. It's different, hearing it out loud. The kind of different that makes him feel like he's floating a few inches off the ground. Warmth blooms in his chest, spreads to his fingertips and it's like it chases the tremors away --

"But my lady, that wouldn't be fair."

He has to turn her down. He has to, doesn't he? Chat Noir loves Ladybug, and hearing that he matters makes his day seem that little bit better. His heart a little lighter, because she cares. And so he'll turn her down, because it's the right thing to do.

"That would be asking too much from you -- and besides, just seeing you makes me feel better." He gives her a smile.

He swings his legs in the air, looking at the ground, far, far below. Ladybug gives pause.

"I'm not _that_ great you know," she says, laughs shortly. "And Chat, I've been thinking."

"What if it takes years and years for us to defeat Hawk Moth? I've always thought we'd reveal our identities to each other after we defeat him, but... I don't really want to hide my identity from you. You're one of my best friends and what if I."

"What if I don't _want_ to wait that long?"

"I don't either, my lady." Because he wants to know her birthday, her hobbies, what she does in her free time, wants to _know_ her but -- "But you've said it before. It's not safe."

"Ugh!" She rests her head in her hands, elbows propped on her knees. "I almost wish I'd never said that. These rules are stupid and the most stupid thing about them is that there's logic behind it all."

"I hate not being able to do anything," she whispers.

Ladybug flops backward with a hard thump, legs still over the edge. Her arms are in a V above her. Chat Noir follows suit in a more restrained way. 

"Do you have any friends to turn to, like in your civilian life?" She asks him.

He hesitates, "It's kind of complicated," he says. He can't see her face clearly from this angle.

"Family?"

"I..." He swallows. "I tried to tell my father today. It's why I came out, needed an escape."

"What'd he say?"

"My lady, it's not safe."

She makes a sound, like she wants to smack her face on a wall. "Okay then, why can't you confide in your friends?"

"Ladybug..."

For several seconds, pregnant with frustration, silence reigns in the air between them.

And then, then Ladybug grinds her teeth, and she takes a deep breath.

She says, "I don't care anymore."

"What if you get akumatized, huh? What'll I do? Your health isn't worth our goddamn secret identities!"

"It isn't just about secret identities --"

"Chat, I'm going to do something very stupid."

"...What?"

"Do you _want_ to tell me?"

Somehow, he doesn't hesitate to say "Yes." Because when it comes down to it, Ladybug is -- "Of course, you're my best friend."

"My name is Mh --" His eyes widen and he panics, slapping a hand over Ladybug's mouth.

"Ladybug _no._ You can't do this."

She removes his hand from her mouth, face straight. "Says who? You said it wouldn't be fair, so I'm making it fair."

"You won't be able to take this back."

"I'm done thinking, the pros outweigh the cons."

_"Ladybug."_

Chat Noir isn't normally the one with restraint in their partnership, and it's a jarring change.

"Okay, maybe it's risky but we can keep each other from being akumatized, right? It would be so much easier together, and we wouldn't have the stress of having to hide."

It's so, so tempting. If Chat Noir agrees, he'll know who Ladybug is, he'll see the girl behind the mask. It would be so _easy._ He'll have a real name to put with Ladybug's face, and he'll have a confidant. 

Then he goes over Ladybug's wording, and then wonders what kind of troubles she's having in her own life. 

She seems to read his mind when she says, "If we reveal our identities, you're not the only one benefiting, you know."

"I've never told anyone this -- well, my kwami knows actually, she kept me from panicking -- but I was almost akumatized once."

Chat Noir is so shocked at this that he sits up from his previously lax position, sitting ramrod straight. "What? How?" The words come out sounding choked.

"A girl," Ladybug says. "We were in a bathroom and I confronted her for lying, and she didn't like that. I... she promised she'd turn all my friends and the boy I like against me and it just."

"It really bothered me, because I haven't always had friends like the ones I do now. I couldn't stop thinking, what if she actually managed to do it? What if her threats weren't just all bark and no bite? After finally gaining friends who have my back, I don't want to let them go." Her voice has a bitter tinge to it.

"So I got really upset. Hid in a bathroom stall," she continues. "An akuma came in and thankfully, Tikki was there. I probably would've been akumatized had Tikki not been there to calm me down."

"How long ago was this?" He asks, and he tries to keep the anger out of his voice because _how dare she do something like that to Ladybug?_ It hits close to home, because he's afraid of losing his friends, too -- he's afraid of being pulled out of school, never to see Nino, his first friend, Alya, and Marinette, who's never really seemed comfortable around him.

"It's not anything recent," Ladybug says, waving her hand around in the air. "I've gotten over it, and well, I trust my friends." She smiles fondly, a part of Chat Noir melts.

"That's good. I'm glad." He flops back down beside his lady, to face the sky. It's a gradient now, from cerulean to orange-pink. 

"Hey Chat?"

"Yeah?" He tilts his head a little to look at her. 

Her hair looks a beautiful dark blue in the fading light, soft blush on her cheeks. There's a content little smile on her bubblegum pink lips. He's pretty sure her eyes are the exact same shade as the sky. 

"My name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so, so tempted to put "I'm Marinette, just an a ordinary girl with an ordinary life." And it would have fit so well wHY DID I RESIST.
> 
> Also, *important*  
> I've been considering a beta for this fic, because I want to make sure I'm doing crap justice with my mediocre writing :'D  
> I've never had a beta before, so uhhh I'd prefer someone who HAS beta'd before because I'm the embodiment of confusion (just a preference tho, there's always the option of flailing together amirite :D)  
> It'd also be great if you're good at writing, like. That would be really really great lmao, I won't lie.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!


	6. first kiss.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Chat," Ladybug says, like a promise, "your first kiss is going to be in two days."
> 
> Chat Noir makes a confused noise at the back of his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unnecessary deleted excerpt but at the same time, very much a necessary deleted excerpt:
> 
> Her face is still half shocked when she almost forcefully takes her hands off.
> 
> "That was a really long indirect kiss," he says.
> 
> "Kiss?" Her voice is flustered again.
> 
> "Your hands."
> 
> Ladybug stares at her gloved hands in a horrified manner.
> 
> Which is why he's completely taken off guard when she says back, "You know, we've actually had a direct kiss before."
> 
> "What."
> 
> Ladybug's stares switches from the hands in her lap to him, resting bitch face and all.
> 
> "WHAT --" 
> 
> Okay anyway.  
> I totally missed updating in June (and this chapter is a little late).  
> Reason for this being that I overworked myself via... well. This note would end up too long if I tried to explain.  
> Good news is that I'm done with a bunch of things, which is a huge load off my back, lol.  
> Anyway, enough of that.  
> This chapter is longer than usual (I wanted to finish patrol this chapter), which I hope makes up for the missed updates!
> 
> Also, thank you to [QueenBee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequeenbeegeek/pseuds/thequeenbeegeek) and [Kasienda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kasienda/pseuds/Kasienda) for beta-ing this chapter!! It's amazing to have such detailed feedback :D
> 
> Also also, Kasienda is writing a fic too!!
> 
> [Restorative Justice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25396786/chapters/61586893)
> 
> check it out :D

"My name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng."

It takes a little to sink in, and when it does, the name rings in his ears, resounds in his weary brain. His image of Ladybug clashes more than it merges with Marinette's -- but the inherent kindness on both sides does not. He feels a dopey smile stretch his lips.

"Marinette," slips from his mouth. _Marinette._

_She’s Marinette._

"You're Marinette."

Ladybug is Marinette, one of his far and few in between friends. What are the chances, he wonders? His sweet, underappreciated, everyday Ladybug is the _real_ Ladybug and _God,_ does he want to slap himself.

The girl who gave him a bracelet for luck, and snuck into a movie theater with him to watch his mother's movie... is _Ladybug._ She pokes the tip of his nose, and a familiar feeling is bubbling up in his chest -- because damn, if he isn't the luckiest guy on Earth.

"Of course Marinette is Marinette, kitty," she says.

Then the information sinks in further and he realizes -- the only liar with the audacity to declare war on Marinette is _Lila._

Which means Lila threatened Marinette in the bathroom. Threatened _his friend._

And he didn’t know. 

A deep kind of disappointment stabs at him after the quick bout of indignation towards Lila. It strangles any semblance of joy he’d felt earlier. _It was a mistake to tell her to take the high ground._

 _Yet another mistake to add to the pile,_ he thinks, mocking.

An insidious whisper tells him she’d be better off without him, despite her continuous reassurances. Here Ladybug is, trying to help him, and he’s already hurt her. His inaction has not just been hurting him, it’s hurt Marinette, too.

"...Chat?"

Ladybug (Marinette? Maribug? Ladynette?)'s voice brings him back into the present. Her face is apprehensive. He wonders what kind of face he's making now, for her to sound so worried.

"Ladybug, I'm... I'm sorry."

"Well, _hey_ Sorry -- wait... what for?"

"Was that a dad joke, M'lady?" His lips twitch upward.

She blue screens for a second, and then she chooses to blatantly lie. "No," she says, nose turned upward. "I just shared my identity with you, you could at least have the decency to tell me _your_ identity." She doesn't say it unkindly.

Chat Noir sucks in a breath. He pauses and he looks away.

"I'm…” He bites the inside of his cheek. “I'm sorry for telling you to take the high ground, I --"

Ladybug's eyes widen and she slaps a hand over his mouth, it's sudden, and reminiscent of what he'd done just minutes ago.

"High ground," she whispers. "Did I hear you right? You said 'high ground'?"

The warm hand on his face muffles what he says.

Ladybug's cheeks suddenly flush red, almost as red as her suit. Her hands fly away from him in a way that's so completely like the classmate who sits behind him, that he can't help laughing a little. 

"A -- Adrien!" Ladybug almost shrieks.

"Careful Maribug, you might reveal my identity to all of Paris if you yell any louder."

Her hands rush to cover her face, uncoordinated. She breathes in, and she breathes out, attempting to compose herself.

She doesn't take her hands off her face when she speaks, nor does she really look at him, "Wh...why would you be sorry for that? You weren't wrong."

"I shouldn't have given you that advice," he argues softly, "If I'd known she threatened you, I wouldn't have."

He wishes he hadn’t.

"But that's on me for not telling you -- you don't need to be sorry if it was my mistake, and don't say 'I should've noticed.'"

"But --"

"No buts. Because you did nothing wrong, I can't forgive you."

He frowns at her.

"Let's call it even," she says.

"That isn't even phrased like a suggestion."

"That's because it's non-negotiable." The insistent glare in her eyes is almost scary.

"...Fine,” he acquiesces, even though it feels wrong that she isn’t blaming him.

He isn’t used to being given kindness so easily, without working for it.

They take a few seconds of silence to themselves. The orange light over the horizon, quickly disappearing as they sit together. He imagines that if Ladybug's hand was in between them, he'd put his own over top of hers. Maybe they'd fit together perfectly, and maybe Ladybug would flip her hand to interlace their fingers.

"You're Marinette."

"You're... Adrien."

Her face is still half shocked when she almost forcefully takes her hands off.

"Then... so then..." Ladybug trails off, seeming to be at a loss for words. "We've been sitting barely a meter apart in class, all this time without realizing."

"I knew I was an idiot, but I didn't realize I was an idiot to this extent," Chat Noir says, shaking his head.

Ladybug laughs, "That would make _me_ an idiot too!"

He smiles an eye crinkling smile. "Idiots together," He sings.

Then -- so quiet, it could've been his imagination, his lady whispers, "Together."

His heart swells, and it's warm, so very warm. He has to put a conscious effort into keeping his tail from curling like he's a lovesick teenager (he's most certainly lovesick and a teenager).

After another moment of sobering silence, his lady's voice comes once again.

"Do you... still want to talk? About..."

And he feels his smile fall a little. For a few blissful moments, he'd been able to drown out his problems with his lady, but it's back to the forefront of his mind now. He'd forgotten there was a reason they'd shared their identities.

"I..."

"It doesn't need to be today," Ladybug says.

Chat Noir doesn't want to worry her, and at the same time, deep down, he _does._ It's a selfish want, and he wonders if he has the right to be selfish, just a little. To not give everything in himself to other people, to appease his father, to be better and better, _be better._

His father’s words echo through his mind, as scornful and disappointment filled as they’d been at the time.

_'Children, always impulsive. So you don't mind Lila's advances on you after all?'_

_'That's not it... I just...'_

_'Felt stressed, and the need to bother me.'_

A bother. He's enough of a bother to his father.

There's no need to bother Ladybug -- even if he wants her to know.

_'You are not a child anymore.'_

_'You can't always have what you want, Adrien.'_

There's no need to bother Ladybug -- even if he wants her to know.

 _'I wanted you to listen!'_ Something screams in him.

His fists clench and unclench beside him. Claws scratch at the surface of the concrete building, quietly leaving scratches, soundless. 

What’s wrong with telling her if she wants to help? What’s so wrong with _wanting_ help?

His chest feels tight, his lungs feel tight. 

"Is it really okay?" Chat Noir asks her.

"Is it?" Ladybug asks back. "... Are _you?"_

Really, it feels like he's always been 'okay.' Out of necessity, almost -- for over a year, he's been getting by on 'okay.' It's... difficult, without his mother. 

Of course it is. 

He misses the moments she'd smile at him. He misses playing the piano with her. He misses the forehead kisses and the hugs and --

…And he misses knowing without a doubt that he's loved, even when he makes stupid mistakes and doesn’t do as he’s told. He likes to think his mother loved him, before she disappeared.

“Do I deserve this?” He whispers a question, grabs his tail so he has something to hold. His hands close around the leather, pulling and worrying like he intends to rip it. 

“I don’t know what that means,” Ladybug answers, her throat bobs, “but I believe all good people deserve to be happy, and Chat, you… you’re a good person.” Deep breath. “There’s _so_ many times I thought, ‘no way,’ or ‘I can’t, it’s not possible, not for _me_ ,’ and you know what? I wouldn’t be Ladybug without you.”

His hands still, his chest tightens for a different reason. Chat Noir breathes in, trembling. It’s almost like there’s a laugh, bubbling underneath the surface. 

He decides to stop thinking.

"...Have you ever been touched, but you didn't really want it?"

.

.

.

It’s confusion, and then deep seated horror that dawns on Ladybug. 

" _No_ . Chat, Adrien, _who --"_

"Lila got in my house by lying the other day," he starts -- and it's like a dam has been broken. "I wanted to help her, you know. I thought, 'Hey, maybe she's redeemable!'" His voice is almost mocking.

"We were in my room, doing that math homework -- _I_ was doing math homework, I don't know what _she_ was doing --” the words sound choked from his mouth, his eyes sweep the horizon like he’s searching for courage, “I asked her to stop, she was too close and obviously, she didn't stop, I don't know why I expected her to."

Shock, absolute abject horror, disgust --

\-- Is the only way she can describe what she feels as she listens to Chat Noir, Adrien -- it's hard to imagine how much worse he'd felt at the time. Almost like he doesn't want to let his words set in, he continues on.

"She wouldn’t --” he tugs his tail until it looks like it’s on the verge of snapping and his hands are shaking weakly. “It felt grimy, and… and _sick,”_ was all he seemed to be able to say. “She kissed me on the cheek and took a picture, it was _disgusting._ I'd never felt more revolted than I did then. I took a shower and..."

_That's what that was._

"I've never dreaded going to school, but _wow."_ Chat Noir sounds almost hysterical in her ears. "I walked in today, in the morning, wishing I was invisible."

"Chat..."

"Remember today, when Lila asked to talk to me at lunch break?" She does, she can vividly recall the suspicion she'd felt, wondering what in the world Lila wanted.

"She said she _liked me."_

Liked him.

Of course, girls having crushes on the one and only Adrien Agreste isn't something uncommon. As a gorgeous, talented, and loaded teen model, it's only natural -- but something about Lila having a crush on him feels intrinsically _wrong._

"She talked like I was some sort of... _thing_ to be won, a show pony. When I didn't like that -- _as if_ something like that would be flattering -- she resorted to saying my father was on her side. And then, you know what she did next?"

"She pushed me into a wall and dug her fingers in my shoulders to keep me still. She said my father would never believe me."

Chat Noir's eyes are facing the horizon, where there used to be distant slivers of orange in place of a deep blue. He's sitting so still, he could be a statue. Less like Chat Noir, and more like Adrien Agreste (frozen in time, like the photos edited to perfection on the magazines) dressed up as Chat Noir. Ladybug realizes -- Chat Noir isn't the mask, Adrien Agreste is.

"Ladybug," his voice is empty, hollow and near toneless -- "she kissed me."

Unadulterated _rage_ rises in her. Blindingly hot, because _how dare she?_ To Adrien, to Chat Noir, one the kindest goddamn people she's ever met. Someone who knew of her lies and thought 'maybe she's redeemable, just _maybe'_ \--

How dare Lila prove him wrong and... and _violate_ him? _She violated him._

She curls her fists at her sides, hard. She'd be leaving crescents in her palm if she weren't wearing a suit. 

_I should’ve gone after him, even if everyone would have noticed me following._

Chat Noir goes on without pause, rambling.

"I -- I wanted my first kiss to be with you," he says haltingly. "Is what Lila did even considered a kiss? It wasn't gentle, I didn't realize until it was over --" and he laughs, bitter, sad. "Is it okay if I just, ignore it? I don't want it to count. Can I do that?" Chat Noir's voice cracks at the end and he looks down at his lap.

"It doesn't need to count, Chat," Ladybug tells him, instead of screaming about how unfair all of this is, even though it's true.

"It doesn't?"

He looks at her, her heart clenches. Ladybug has seen Chat Noir at his low points, but she's never seen him quite this low. He leans in close, and then even closer, until there's a scant few inches between their faces. 

"Chat..." It's painful. She almost wants to look away from him, if only so the pain will lessen. Her chest goes tight and Ladybug...

Ladybug wishes she could take him home. So she'd know he's safe and warm. Her parents probably wouldn't mind, right? Ladybug could sneak Lila Rossi out of her own home in the dead of night, send her on a one way trip to Italy and neither of them would ever have to see her again.

If only.

She turns away from Chat Noir, choosing not to listen to the impulse that tells her to kiss him until he forgets, to do it now because she knows they both want it.

No. She wants to do it right.

"Chat," Ladybug says, like a promise, "your first kiss is going to be in two days."

Chat Noir makes a confused noise at the back of his throat.

"It'll be on the top of the Eiffel Tower," she takes a deep breath, "and we're going to have the cheesiest goddamn date we can possibly have."

She bites her bottom lip briefly.

"We can walk together, after school to my house -- you can say it's for a group project -- and we can bake whatever you want, then watch a movie or play a video game together," she turns her head back towards Chat Noir. Green eyes are trained on her and wide open, he realizes what she's doing.

"Ladybug, you don't have to do any of that for me," he says.

"It's for me too, you know. Love is meant to be a two way thing."

It proves to be the right thing to say. Light returns to Chat Noir's eyes, dim as they may be -- 

"Go on a date with me?" 

Deep down, she's afraid he'll reject her -- because he knows now that Ladybug is Marinette. But the rational part of her remembers that Adrien called Marinette an everyday Ladybug, and she remembers the panic his words had induced at that moment, but she also remembers feeling over-the-moon happy -- which is what gives her the confidence to do what she's been wanting to do for countless weeks.

She thinks offhandedly about how Alya would react.

"What... what about the guy you like?" Chat Noir asks.

"The guy I like is Adrien, you idiot."

Chat Noir's mouth makes an 'o' shape. It's cute, and Chat Noir doesn't need to be any more attractive than he already is, really.

"So, would it be okay if your first kiss was also with Marinette?"

A (dare she say 'awed') smile appears on his face, it's blindingly bright and _dear God, she's about to die via sunshine smile._

"That's _more_ than okay, as long as you're okay with Chat Noir being your's?"

"I hope you know the answer to that."

.

.

.

 _Plagg was right,_ Chat Noir thinks. He should have told Ladybug sooner -- if he'd known this would happen, he would've.

Ladybug's face is bright red, just like her suit. "Anyway, how are you doing now?"

"I... better. A lot better."

Ladybug breathes out a sigh that comes out as a puff of grey. Chat Noir notices belatedly how late it's gotten.

"Chat, can I hug you?"

Chat Noir doesn't miss that she's asking for permission, his brain stalls for a split second of confusion and not for the first time today, he's... struck by how utterly caring and thoughtful she is. It means more to him than she knows -- he doesn’t say such out loud. 

"Yes,” he says instead. 

_Thank you,_ he thinks. 

She spreads her arms and wraps them around the middle of his back, her head on his shoulder. He does the same and leans into her. Her hugs are sweet, and at the same time they're reassuring in their strength, just like Ladybug herself somehow.

The simmering under his skin dies a complete death, it's soft and warm. 

"I used to think being Chat Noir with you was the best thing in the world, but now I'm a firm believer in Ladybug hugs."

Ladybug lets out an inelegant snort, the sound is muffled by his suit. He savors the warmth.

It feels good, being with Ladybug. He wonders when he'd last been hugged like this -- a few weeks? He's pretty sure his father hugged him after that time Chloe's mom got akumatized.

And then he feels confused all over again.

The contact with Ladybug quickly becomes overwhelming, but he doesn't want to let go. Like some part of himself is gearing up for the long haul of being starved of this, all over again and he feels... exhausted.

"You said something about trying to tell your dad, did he really not believe you?" Ladybug asks. Almost imperceptibly, she tightens her arms around him.

"No, he believed me."

He tightens his arms around Ladybug, the slightest bit. The fact feels like a wound with dirt thrown on top, festering.

"...What?"

"He asked if I wanted him to pull me out of school. And when I said no, he accused me of not really minding Lila and of telling him this just to bother him."

Ladybug's arms start trembling.

"Why would he do that?"

Chat Noir doesn’t answer, he doesn’t know. Maybe his father hates him, hates the reminder of his absent wife -- maybe it’s just Adrien that he hates. 

Ladybug shifts her head on his shoulder, it’s not quite enough for him to see her expression. “Your father’s an asshole,” she vocalizes.

"Plagg says the same."

She laughs, there's a strange undertone in her voice. "He deserves to get disowned, why're you still calling him your father?"

"It's not that bad," he says. It feels like an obligation to defend his father, somehow.

"He hurt you, you're downplaying what happened, aren't you?"

He has no compunctions against telling the truth about Lila, he doesn't owe her a damn thing and the last thing he is to her is loyal -- but his father is a whole other case and he doesn't know what to think anymore. Sure, he knows what Ladybug and Plagg think now, but they don't know his father like he does.

They don't know how hard he took it when his mother disappeared -- because he ~~had loved~~ loves her. Why would his father take it so hard, if not because of love? They've never seen his father look truly happy, they only know his harsh glares and controlling ways.

His father let him go to school, even though Adrien had gone behind his back to try and force it -- all he had asked for in return was that he go with his bodyguard, to keep him safe. 

_To keep me safe._

It feels like he's drowning.

"I don't know, I don't --" 

He takes a deep, shuddering breath.

"He's still my father,” he says. 

“It wasn’t always like this, you know,” Chat Noir continues, quiet, barely a whisper. “It’s hard. It’s so goddamn _hard_ sometimes. It hurts, and I think back to what he and Natalie have said to me, and even _I’m_ shocked. Sometimes it feels like I’m…bending over backwards for the tiniest scraps of the person my father used to be.” He slumps further into her in his exhaustion, his tail lies stiff on the floor.

Ladybug is silent, her breathing seems almost measured. Through the suit, there’s the faint feeling of a hand rubbing circles into his back. 

Chat Noir still doesn’t say everything he thinks. He doesn’t talk about how he misses his mother, or how he wishes his father loved him -- or at the very least, wouldn’t dismiss him so easily. He doesn’t talk about the suffocating expectations and the eyes on him at all times -- but he gets the feeling that the girl in his arms hears him. 

“I… can’t say I know how it is, but… I’ll be here for you.”

_She hears him._

“Always, okay?”

Mutely, he nods and he doesn’t let go.

He knows she cares, so he sinks into the warmth. It’s safe, because Ladybug isn’t something that can be taken away -- not the way his father can change his diet, not the way his father can take school from him, change everything, from his appearance to his personality.

In her arms, he feels safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit random but, how many of you would be interested in joining a discord server if I were to make one (for my works)?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos always appreciated, because I suck at self motivation :'D


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